Miscellaneous Anectdotes: Damages

Sometimes, it feels like you can’t outrun your past. Or maybe it’s just me that can’t let go. Of course, it doesn’t help when it seems that almost every outcome to almost every situation is saying the same thing; “you aren’t good enough.”

Yes, sometimes I’m melodramatic, but on a completely serious and depressing [for me] note, I really grew up believing I wasn’t good enough. Nothing I ever did, no matter how I looked, I just didn’t stand a chance against the impossibly high standards set before me.

Every relationship I’ve been in, every single one of them, I was left for someone else. Every. Time. It’s easy enough to brush it off the first half a dozen times, but after that? It gets harder. Really hard.

Then there was one person I didn’t think in a million years would ever chose someone over me and guess what? He did. And oh god it hurt. As much as it sucks to say, it still hurts. As much as I think I’m over it, something will happen and it crushes me all over again. Something little that reminds me of a moment I spent with him and my gut clenches and my heart rips and my eyes fill with tears. As ludicrous as it is to say, I worry that my heart will never be the same. It sickens me that the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with has hurt me like this, that my feelings for him were obviously not reciprocated in the same way because if he felt for me what I felt for him, he never could have chosen another girl. I know I made my mistakes in our relationship and I know I hurt him, but he always knew that he was it for me, that I never wanted to be with anyone else and I wanted to marry him. Because of the way things turned out, I have this sinking feeling that even if I didn’t make those mistakes and no matter what I did, it would have ended the same way. One way or another, he would have decided that I was old hat and would rather give the new and local model a try. And I hate him for that. I hate myself for loving him so much, for believing wholeheartedly that you could meet your soul mate at 22, and mostly, I hate myself for still being so hung up on him.

And I’m still so angry. I never got to yell and scream about it. I went down whimpering, “why?” when I should have punched his head in. He shattered me in a way I’ve never shattered anyone and I hate him for that.

I feel damaged. I feel like I’ve dealt with so much shit already that I just want a break. I keep my schedule full but that just leaves me burned out and irritable, but if I have too much free time I start to feel like this.

And I know the drill. “You’re young, you have your whole life ahead of you, you just need time, blah blah blah.” I get it. I know my life isn’t over, but that sure as hell doesn’t make me feel better now. I just wish things had been different. I wish I could have grown up feeling worthy with a higher self esteem, I wish I either never met him or we never broke up, I just wish it was different.

But hey. Hakuna Matata, right? =\

Miscellaneous Anectdotes: Dating

Dating. Wow. It doesn’t matter if you meet someone the old-fashioned way, get set up, or try the online thing. Well, I’ve never been set up so I’m just assuming.

I have chosen the online dating route. Partly because I don’t usually get out enough to meet people the old-fashioned way, and partly because online dating gets the important things out in the open from the get go. Are you looking for something serious, do you want kids, do you have kids? Not exactly things you ask on a first date with the cute guy you met at the local coffee shop.

I will say that dinner is not a good first date. If you don’t hit it off really well, it is a really long wait until you can order, and then ages until your food comes. When the food finally arrives, you eat it as fast as possible in hopes you’ll move the date along. But sometimes, your date doesn’t feel the need to hurry it along and when you no longer have the luxury of entertaining yourself with whatever mediocre meal is in front of you, you’re resigned to the awkward silences and even more awkward conversation. All the while thinking that you could be at home without a bra on. You didn’t have to skip that nap or touch up your make up. All of a sudden, that scene in rom-com’s where the lady sets up an “emergency” phone call in case the date goes south makes sense.

You know what else sucks? When you don’t even realize you’re on a date! I can’t be the only woman this has happened to, can I? Or am I really that oblivious? So you’ve got a guy friend and you know, you’re buddies. It’s whatever, right? Wrong. Guys and girls can’t be friends very often. Sometimes, when you’re me apparently, your guy friend says, “let’s hang out!” and you say, “sure!” and unbeknownst to you, you’ve agreed to a date. You find yourself at a nice restaurant being told, “you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen,” or some such ludicrous pick up line thinking, “wait, what?” Sometimes they aren’t even trying to be a gentleman about it and you get a booty call at some godawful hour of night. But at least those are easier for you to say, “Um, no. Delete my number.”

Then there’s the great – fantastic even – first dates that end up being a really, really bad second date. I don’t know why that seems to be my luck but I’ll find them incredibly annoying the second time I see them. I think it’s them being assholes who think since the first date went so well, you’re hooked for life and they can start being douchey and push for sex. And what is it with men acting like jerks when it comes to sex? They try to make a joke about watching porn, you say TMI, and they stomp their little feet and say you’re either sensitive or snide and undersexed [yes, this actually happened]. Excuse me? We had two dates, I’m supposed to be okay with all your crude talk and being pushy about getting laid? No. Just… no. Get out. The boys who talk way too much about past relationships can get out too.

You can’t forget about the super excited, overwhelming, half in love with you before meeting you guys either. I’ve had a few of those. It’s hard to describe why I find this irritating. Maybe I’m a bitch or maybe I still have this aversion to nice guys or maybe I’m too easily annoyed, but it is what it is. I guess I feel like they’re putting me up on a pedestal and I prefer a more realistic outlook of, “we started talking, it’s going well, we’ll see what happens when we meet.” I want my man to fall for the me he meets, not the me he creates in his mind.

And oy vei, the rejection of it all! My heart goes out a little bit to every guy that I didn’t email back or didn’t see again. Writing up the “About Me” section of an online dating profile is like writing a resume and cover letter for a fantastic job. Most people are uncomfortable talking much about how awesome they are and why they should pick you. it’s not easy! You want to give enough information to entice people, come across as witty and charming, and write in such a way that invites questions. You don’t want to message someone with, “Hi, how’s it going?” It’s an exhausting process and I find it requires wine. So much wine.

Worse still is when you start seeing someone, you think everything is going well, and they just disappear mid conversation. Oh, relationship over I guess. Thanks for the heads up. There is a small window when simply not responding is acceptable, in my opinion. It depends on the situation but if you haven’t talked much, if you’re put off, you can just let the conversation drop and move on. But there comes a point, when the relationship has shifted from a date or two to dating and monogamy, you need to say something if you’re gonna jump ship. It’s rude and a complete and total disregard to feelings and time.

All in all, the process is taxing. From the first contact to the first date, from the primping to the awkward first kiss [that sometimes you're hoping doesn't happen!] and the even worse sloppy kisser that makes you want to pull away immediately and wipe your mouth off. To wanting to see them again or thinking of how to avoid a second date or let someone down easy. Picking the right outfit that makes you look classy and sexy yet still conservative. Shaving your legs and wearing uncomfortable shoes. It all takes a lot of effort.

And a lot of wine.

The Better Me: Clutter

Life is complicated and cluttered. I’ve decided that this is part of what weighs me down. Too much stuff, not enough space, and maybe most importantly, no place that’s MINE.

I decided that with the place that I am in my life, I want to be one of those people that can fit everything they own into the back of their car. One of those people that can just pack and move, whenever they want, wherever they want, with no help. Just go.

And so the de-cluttering process begins. Throwing things out. Buying storage bins and containers. Organizing. This will be a long process but I’m looking forward to it. Every minute of it.

Realizing that you’ve been carrying around all this CRAP and then throwing it away is very satisfying. Realizing what you need and what you don’t is relieving.

One day, I want to just get up and go. I want to save up enough money, get in the car, throw out the map, find a town that seems nice and just stay. Hopefully with the love of my life at my side.

I’ll start accumulating “useless stuff” when I buy a house. When I settle down with my love, when we start a family. That’s the time to have more stuff than you can fit in your car.

Until then? Operation Un-Clutter.

Miscellaneous Anectdotes: A Little Bit of Everything.

Where to begin?

Selling horses is hard. I haven’t even had someone out to see Gracie yet. It just adds to the stress. I found a new place for Ricci, but I can’t afford to have her moved and continue to pay for Gracie until she sells. I just feel stretched too thin when it comes to them. I don’t know what I’m going to do.

I started fostering a puppy. I currently have a 9 week old pit bull puppy laying in his dog bed chewing on a dog treat that’s bigger than his head. He’s not making much headway. I didn’t want a puppy before, and now I definitely don’t want one. Oliver sleeps in his crate at night, and we get about four hours before he wakes up the first time. Then we get up every hour and a half to three hours after that to go potty. Puppies are exhausting. Cleaning up messes is gross. When I’m finally ready for my own dog, I’ll get a 10 month old. Old enough to have it’s ish together a little bit, but still young and puppy-like. Ideally, it’ll already by housebroken.

I haven’t been to the gym at all. I was going to go back and just do arms, but then I took the puppy home so… I have been doing a little bit of my roommates Abs of Steel workout, and boy does it burn. So I’m at least doing something. And I’m going to my friend’s Zumba class both times this week.

Anyways, I should really feed Oliver. Hopefully, I can keep him up and wear him out until about 8 and then he’ll sleep for a good long while tonight. I’m exhausted. I didn’t sleep too well last night. He slept 8 hours last night. Crazy.

The Better Me: Payback

Well, since I’ve been totally lacking on working out, it came back to bite me and I worked out twice today, haha.

I have a friend who is starting to teach Zumba classes. She came over today to go over everything with me before her first class tomorrow, and that way at least one person [me] will have an idea of what’s going on. If you read this, Jesse, you did an awesome job coming up choreography! =D

So we did that, it was a blast. Exhausting, but a blast! And then shortly after, my roommate is like, “Let’s do my abs of steel video!” so guess what we did? Abs of steel!

I think I’m just gonna change up my workouts. Instead of the elliptical, I think I’m just gonna lift weights at the gym and then do some of the abs video every morning, and then do the Zumba class twice a week. I think it’ll be easier on my hip. Still low impact, but not so repetitive. And I’ll get my cardio. So fingers crossed!

Miscellaneous Anectdotes: In a Funk

I’ve been so blah. I’m so blah that I don’t even want to write this. So a few quick notes.

I haven’t slept well in what feels like forever, and my hip and back have been absolutely killing me, so I haven’t been working out. At all. I am going to my friend’s Zumba class tomorrow night though.

I haven’t been eating well either. Actually, I’ve been eating very poorly. It’s tied in with the “blah,” I’m just not motivated. I’m not motivated to begin with, so now I’m EXTRA unmotivated.

My cat is sitting in my lap right now and he’s very in the way. Hmph.

I made an expense sheet on Excel today, it was awfully exciting. Hopefully it’ll keep track of my money a little better. It’ll be great.

I think… I’m out of blabber. I’d like to make some hash browns but that would involve getting off the couch. *pout*

The Better Me: Resistance

The novelty of working out is long gone. I’m over it. But so help me, I’m still going!

I skipped Monday, but for good reason. I was working until after midnight Sunday night, I did not want to get up at 6 to work out when I could sleep until 7. But I did drag myself out of bed Tuesday, and I did go this morning.

I’ve increased some of my weight reps, but not by too much. I’m doing five reps of five at 2 lbs. I’ve gone up to 3 lbs on the easier ones, but I don’t want to get much heavier than that. I want to tone up, I don’t want to get bulky. I also read a bit of the big poster on the wall that explains the multi-station gym thing and what all I can do. I don’t really have time on work days, but on my days off, I’m going to start doing a little more for my thighs.

Although I tell ya, the elliptical isn’t always easy! I’ve worked the resistance up to 7 [I started at 5] and the top of my thighs sure burn! I’ve also found that letting go of the handles changes the way I move so it’s a little different of a workout. It took me a while to get the balance right [my screwed up hip makes my gait uneven] but now I do two minutes holding, two minutes not. It also makes the time go by faster, I can break it down in increments of 2 and it just helps.

My roommate [who is also working out] just bought some 90′s workout tapes from the pawn shop [$.43 for four VHS tapes, haha] and we did one of those Monday night. We only got about half way through, it was intense and we were confused with some of the steps. But we’ll get used to it. The idea is to do aerobics and abs at home, and everything else at the gym. We aren’t about to lay on the nasty gym floor!

My mom says that 28 days in a row make a habit. Well, I’m only 6 days in, but I’m getting there! Slowly but surely!

The Better Me: 140

I said this working out thing wasn’t about the numbers, but I’m still going to keep track and I’m still going to take a little pride in the numbers decreasing. I stepped on the scale yesterday and weighed 140. I’m happy with 140. It’s a good number. When I was getting closer to 160 I was concerned. But I can do 140. 130 would be great though. In high school, I weighed 125 when I was doing step aerobics. I don’t think I can, or want to get that low again. By some grace of god, I’ve managed to score a nice rack and a nice ass. Crude, but quite frankly, it’s awesome. I love my boobs. I don’t want to lose them.

But enough about boobs. I worked out again this morning. 20 minutes on the elliptical was a little easier this time. Got my heart rate up to about 130 but stayed around 100. My heart rate, my breathing rate, have always seemed to be lower than average. So when I’m pumping my little legs furiously and the damn machine tells me I need to get my heart rate up to 160 for a good cardio workout, I think to myself “you’ve got to be kidding me.” It was a struggle just to get up to the 130. I’ll have to do some research. I feel like a lower heart and breath rate are a sign of relaxation, but who knows, maybe this is a bad thing.

I have very little knowledge of the human body. What muscles are called, what they do, how they work, how much protein or carbs or fat your body needs or doesn’t need to accomplish what you’re trying to do. I should probably look into that. Like, do you eat before or after you exercise? Or both?

Anyways. Moving on. 20 minutes on the machine from hell, as it’s becoming to me, I spent some time on the weight machines. Now I don’t know what the machines are called, or even what the particular muscle it is they were working, but I worked on my arms. Now, I’m a weakling and also a baby, so try not to laugh. I kept the weights at 2 lbs. More than that was a struggle. So I’m going to embrace my weakness and start small. I’ll push myself, I’ll work up. Without someone there to direct me, I have to wing it. So I used each machine twice. Started at one, did 2, counted to 10, then 2 more. I did this five times on the harder machines. On the easier machines, I did 2 and counted to 5. My second round through them all, I counted to 5 on the harder machines and on the easier ones, did 5 and counted to five. It seemed to work out well. I would feel my muscles start to shake or give out, and still had a “set” or two left. I pushed, but not too hard. It felt like just enough.

Now what I need is a core workout I can do at home. There’s no way I’m laying down on the nasty public floor and there aren’t enough ab workouts I can do standing up. I’m sure I can find something cheap on Amazon. Or even an old VHS at a pawn shop, because yes, I still have a VCR. I know I’m awesome. Be jealous.

Now it’s time to shower and get ready for the day. I ate my delicious egg and toast breakfast, and I need to go grocery shopping. My current list, which I probably can’t afford to get it all, is as follows;

Bread
Onions
Potatoes
Granola or power bars
Ground beef
Bacon [because you always need bacon]
Eggs

I need to start making food. I’ve been good so far, but it’s only been a whopping two days. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to shake that tower.

Miscellaneous Anecdotes: The Better Me

I’ve decided to be better.

So I’ve started Operation Improve. I went to Planned Parenthood to get back on Yaz for my PMDD. It’ll take another two months for the Take Charge program to step in and cover it, but it’s in the works.

I’m also going to start making an effort to eat better. Mainly, that just means cooking as opposed to “easy dinners.” The other day, I made biscuits and gravy for dinner. It was delicious. Last night, I made spaghetti. Easy things, but it’s better than microwave burritos and Mac N Cheese. This morning, instead of my usual toast with PB&J, I put an over-easy egg on a piece of buttered toast. Now that may not be a better breakfast, but it feels like a better breakfast.

I’m also going to do my best to avoid gorging myself. It’ll be smaller meals from now on. Probably still more than a serving, but not two or three servings.

This morning, I utilized the free gym at the apartment complex. I got up at six and walked over to the creepy little gym. I spent 20 minutes on the elliptical at level 5 resistance. Got my heart rate up to about 110. I’m going to keep track of that, and slowly start working my way up to a more difficult resistance. Then maybe I can go for longer. I kept a steady pace throughout the whole thing, but I did push really hard the last minute. I can start increasing the push time too, to the last two minutes, three minutes, etc etc.

I’ve worked out before, back in my aerobics class in high school. I can’t tell you how incredible I felt doing that. I want to get that back. This isn’t about how big I am, how much I weigh, how thick my thighs are [although decreasing the numbers wouldn't hurt my feelings], it’s about how I feel.

I am over feeling crummy. I know I have things that stack up against me. My PMDD is a big one. Don’t know what that is? Look it up. It sucks. I am tired of feeling depressed three weeks out of four, of being utterly exhausted all the time, and I hate being so crabby. The medication will help, but the exercise and better diet won’t hurt.

And for the part of me that’s a little bit vain, I want to get my hair done. I’ll probably pass on a manicure, but I think I’ll get a month of tanning too. It’s embarrassing to admit that a part of my happiness is tied to how I look, but doesn’t that hold true for all of us? If I feel good on the inside, and I look good on the outside, nothing can stop me.

So I take my glass of water, raise it up, and say cheers to the new installment of Leigha Lovely; The Better Me.