I’ve started and stopped writing this several times over the weekend. I don’t know where to start.
I’m sick to death of men. Let’s start there. They never make any sense. They may think everything they do is so simple and easy to understand but it’s not. I’ve been utterly confounded by more than one “break up.”
I’ve had someone be so concerned that I was seeing someone else. I liked the guy and his ex did cheat on him and I’m really very understanding for a crazy bitch. He would say, “You better not be going on a date or anything. I’m not taking anyone out but you.” Okay, looking back, it’s weird, but at the time I just liked the guy and didn’t pay it any mind. I would say, “Of course not, I really like you, I don’t see why I would try and meet other people.” So you wanna know the funny part? He broke up with me because I was too clingy! Actually, he didn’t even break up with me, he just bailed mid-conversation and never spoke to me again.
But did you know there is actually a worse way to break things off with someone? Because I sure didn’t! Never in my life have I known a man to just insult a woman until she could find the words, “fuck you!” And this guy started out so great! But I guess there’s a reason they say if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. He always had the right thing to say, he seemed excited about me, it was fantastic. But then he quite suddenly pulled back, trying to talk to him was like pulling teeth. So I called him out on it. Shit happens, I literally give zero fucks if you hang out and drink with your buddies so long as you didn’t totally bail on plans with me to do it. I don’t care if I get a “good morning” text and then don’t hear from you all day. I don’t need 24/7 attention, I just need to know that at the end of the day, you want to talk to me. So then I told him, “I don’t feel like you want to talk to me, if this isn’t working for you, just say it.” He assured me that wasn’t it, blah blah blah, so I let it go. So a few days later when we have plans, he calls me to say he didn’t think he could make it. I asked him why and he said, “I don’t really have a reason.” Oh okay, well then bye. But he wasn’t done. He proceeded to tell me about how he’s super depressed and he’s not over his ex and he tried to have feelings for me which is why he took my phone calls but he just didn’t feel anything. Bad, right? Don’t worry, it gets better. He tells me he was pissed when I called him out for bailing on me, he couldn’t give me as much attention as I apparently needed and that sleeping with me made him uncomfortable. What in the actual fuck? You sure seemed to enjoy it at the time and I don’t recall forcing myself on you!
I admit I started out as a blubbering fool. Upset and crying and disgustingly trying to change his mind. But then I got pissed. Really pissed. I haven’t been that angry in a long time. So I ripped into him. I called him a giant sack of shit and an asshole. He whined, “I’m not an asshole,” and I said, “Oh really? Because from where I’m sitting, you’re the biggest asshole I’ve ever met.” I was floored. And that jerk still felt the need to say, “I really like you, I’d still like to see you. I enjoy your company, I still want to have you over and cuddle on the couch. My life is just a mess right now and I can’t blame you if you don’t want to stick around.” How about you go fuck yourself?
And that was that. I hung up, deleted his number and moved the fuck on. At least as much as I could. I’m really quite alright, actually, but I feel like my faith in men and relationships is all but destroyed. I don’t have the time or the patience to deal with this shit anymore. How hard is it to find someone honest who wants a relationship? Sure, I’ve found good, honest guys but they aren’t looking for what I’m looking for. Which is fine, I wasn’t led to believe it was more, but I still wouldn’t be satisfied with it. I want a boyfriend. I want someone to be excited about me, want to see me, be there for me and let me do the same. I want to snuggle and watch movies. I want a man who wants to be seen with me in public.
Bah. One day my prince will come, yeah? Until then… I think I’m gonna eat my feelings for a bit. My friend told me, “Let the wrong guy take you out to dinner and tell you you’re pretty.” Eventually, soon even, but not today. I need a break.