My Incomplete Heart

I never know when it’s going to happen. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing or where I am or who I’m with, all of a sudden I’m crying. It’ll start pouring down rain and I’ll think about how I used to have to race to the barn to make sure Ricci was properly blanketed. She was such a princess, she’d find herself stuck under the lean to in the back pasture because hello, there’s falling wet out there and she cannot possibly get wet. And yet this was the same horse who I would ride willingly through all the giant puddles in the flooding pasture I used as an arena.

She was the best horse. She really did everything perfectly. She was easy and challenging and talented and it really sucks that she’s not here. She could have lived to 50 and it wouldn’t have been anywhere near long enough.

I can remember my worst break up, how devastated I was, feeling like my heart was ripped out. I would chose to do that again, every day, for a year, for the rest of my life, than to ever feel like this. This is so much worse. It’s so much worse than a heart broken by a boy. Ricci has always been the most important thing in my life. I remember being told by numerous people that I needed to sell her. I was too poor, I couldn’t afford it, I needed to sell her. The thought was always so foreign to me and I’d be sitting there thinking don’t make me choose. Don’t pick a fight with me over my horse because Ricci always comes first, I will always, always, always choose her. I told people often that I couldn’t hang out because I was going for a ride. I don’t think many really understood it but she was always more important. I’d put off grocery shopping when my shelves were empty because that day worked better to go see her.

I just wonder how long it takes for a heart to heal. I know it’s incredibly morose but it just doesn’t feel like my heart ever will heal. It feels too shattered and too incomplete without Ricci. I can’t wait to feel “normal” again but I also don’t want to feel normal. It feels… disloyal to be able to move on and to feel alright. It’s not the right way to view it but it is what it is.

I just miss her and I wish she were still with me. For one more ride from our first barn up the hill to the lake. We could walk and run and enjoy those logging roads for hours, she was wonderfully courageous and we always had such a great time. Even though the first time we tried to go up the hill, she was being a total cow and we got into the biggest fight Ricci and I have ever had and I had to back her big cow butt up the hill before she finally realized that spinning around to face home didn’t mean we were going that way. She always spun to the right. It’s funny how much you can learn about another creature. Her habits, what she liked, how she pouted when she barely touched her breakfast and therefore didn’t get “fresh” hay for dinner. She liked to fluff up her hay but heaven forbid you fluffed it up for her, I could never do it in just the right way. She loved eating her apples in one bite. She always had to pick her back feet up really high before settling and letting you have it. She yawned all the time. ALL the time. I have so many pictures of Ricci making her silly yawn face. She loved wearing a blanket, she would happily shove her nose into her blanket. We played tag in the snow. I’d throw snowballs at her and she’d toss her hand and prance away to come back for me to throw more snowballs at her. I could leap on to her back out in the pasture and she’d stand still for it. I could ride her bareback and in her halter to the coffee stand.

Ricci was just… perfect and it feels wrong that she isn’t pouting out in her pasture right now protesting the wind. I really, really miss her.

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