I’m struggling. I don’t even know where to begin because I feel like I’m spiraling out of control. I didn’t even feel this out of control when I was 22 and on a birth control pill that was not working for me. I can barely sleep and all I want to do is cry and eat and drink. I want to drink a lot.
A lot of the pain is me not being over Ricci’s loss. I’m not over that at all. I miss her, I miss having something that made me feel whole when I was feeling broken. Ricci was there through all my big relationships, through all the break ups and the broken hearts and the anger and the depression. Ricci was always perfect, she got me through everything. But she’s not here to get me through this, the most difficult and gutting thing I’ve ever dealt with and I’m reeling without her steady soul to ground me.
Part of it is also that whole pesky being a woman thing. I’m happy to be not pregnant and all but I feel like Mother Nature is kicking me when I’m already down.
And my relationship situation is… difficult and I’m battling with a lot of insecurities. I am just so burnt out from feeling like I care more. And I hate myself for thinking this way but I feel like something is clearly wrong with me. Why else can’t I find a man who cares about me as much as I care about him? Why am I never good enough? No matter what I do, I never feel good enough. I always end up feeling convenient, I’m around because he likes that I like him, I treat him well, I’m nice to him, I boost his ego. But I seldom feel like they actually like me, like they care or that I have any real value in their life. I have been taking on this “fake it til you make it” attitude for so long now, people have told me that I’m so confident and they wish they could have that but the sad truth is I have very little confidence. I have many, many days were I feel worthless and as much as friends tell you that you’re awesome, what the hell am I supposed to do with that? And the worst part is that I hate myself for letting a man, any man, affect how I feel about myself. I don’t want to be that cliche woman who needs a man to validate her and her feelings and her worth but I am that woman. I don’t want to be but I don’t know how to overcome that. I’ve been trying and for awhile I felt like I was doing okay but lately… I’m losing ground. I have never felt so low, I have never felt more expendable and invaluable than I do now. And I don’t know how to feel better. And all I want is my horse and to feel better.