This is a difficult post to write. It’s easy to bare your soul when you are talking about your beloved horse that passed but talking about the people in your life, how you relate to them, how they make you feel… that’s a difficult thing to put out there.
It may seem weird but I really miss being a loner. I miss rarely leaving the house. Staying at home with my cats, watching movies and binge-watching on Netflix. And going to bed early. Once you start throwing in all these relationships with various people, things get complicated. As it should be, I guess, feelings are a complicated issue.
Most of my issues stem from my relationship with my father. Wait, another girl with daddy issues?! Yup. But I never felt good enough growing up. Nothing I did was ever good enough for him. Even as an adult, nothing I do has ever been good enough. Bought a car by myself? I should have contacted him because I could have gotten a better deal. Tsk tsk Leigha. And that’s not even going into the conversation we had when I was set to start orthodontics and I already had glasses. Better get me some contacts, no daughter of mine can walk around with braces AND glasses! And this barely even scratches the surface of that particular relationship. So I’ve always felt like I was lacking.
But all my relationships since then have left me with that same feeling. I just can’t win. Every boyfriend I’ve ever had left me for another girl. I can’t even keep a fuck buddy around who doesn’t eventually end things because they’d rather sleep with some other chick. The only man that I honestly, truly loved broke things off with me because he wanted to sleep around and he had feelings for someone else. It happens once or twice and you’re sad but you move on. But more than a dozen times? It’s hard to not take that personally. It’s hard to stop feeling like there isn’t something about you that is just plum wrong and unlikable.
I can’t even say that my current relationship is helping. We’ve been together almost a year. He just told me about the Christmas gift he got for me in Japan where he is on deployment. These things should normally make a woman happy, at least a little bit. But I just find it all incredibly depressing. We are one week shy of our one year anniversary and he doesn’t want me to tell him that I love him. He doesn’t love me, he doesn’t know if we are going to work out long term or not. He wants me to be carefree and to have fun and we’ll just see what happens when he’s home in two months. Easier said than done, my friend. He’s been gone five months and I miss him like crazy but I’m so depressed about the whole thing. The obvious and perhaps easiest answer is to break up with him, and I’d agree with you but I just… can’t. I want it to work out with him, I want to be with him, I don’t want to regret breaking up with my boyfriend while he’s deployed because I don’t know what is going to happen when he comes home.
But this is a post about friends and I’m talking about my boyfriend. So back on track. I have a very good friend that doesn’t live in the same town. I am always the one who drives to see her. I set up the plans, I make the effort, I’m the one doing it. I love her, I enjoy seeing her but it gets kinda old feeling like I’m the only one trying to keep the friendship alive. How much does she really consider me a friend when she never makes any plans to see me and won’t make any effort?
And then I have a couple friends. I love them, they are wonderful women, but they so obviously like the other more than they like me. I know how weird it is to see it that way, it sounds conceited and silly but I don’t mean it that way. I’m not jealous, that’s not the issue. I just feel left out. The third wheel, the one tagging along to their adventures, not included in the inside jokes. It’s heartbreaking. And I’ve thought about bringing it up to them, that I feel a little like an outsider, but what good will it really do me? They aren’t deliberating shutting me out, they’ll tell me they’re sorry and it’s not true and they’ll make an effort for the next week to make sure I feel included but then it will just go back to normal. Because they like the other more than they like me and life just happens that way. But why am I always the one everyone likes least?
I feel myself withdrawing into myself, reverting back to being the loner who doesn’t go out, who doesn’t make but the rare plans to hang out with people. The girl who’s boring and stays at home and is asleep by 10pm. But why does it matter when I’m not really included even when I’m trying to put myself out there? I still end up sitting at home alone except now I’m more sad. If I’m the one who decides to stay home, it’s not as depressing as staying home because I wasn’t invited.
I don’t mean to sound so pathetic and I know that’s exactly what people will think when they read this. I hate feeling pathetic, I don’t mean to be the weepy girl crying about why doesn’t anyone like me. But… why don’t people like me? What am I doing wrong? Why do I have such a hard time finding someone who likes me as much as I like them? And that’s all I want in life, really. I just want someone, anyone, to like me as much as I like them.