I took a really long shower this morning. And by “shower,” what I really mean is I sat down in the shower, knees pulled up to my chin, crying, for a very long time. I feel so broken. I feel myself getting more and more desperate to feel better. All I want is to feel better and I find myself thinking I would do anything to feel better. I’m grasping at straws, clinging to anything that might help me feel better for just a little bit. And I am terrified.
I’m also starting to hate myself and I don’t know how to deal with that. I hate myself because people affect me so much. They always say no one can hurt your feelings or make you feel insignificant without your permission. Quite frankly, I call bullshit. I don’t know anyone who can just not be hurt by the things people say and how people treat them. I hate when people act like I don’t matter, and I don’t know how to not take that personally. If someone is gonna treat me like shit on their shoe, someone that I thought cared about me in at least a small way that the average person should care about another person they are “intimate” with, how am I not supposed to be hurt and offended and angry? When someone doesn’t even respect me enough to extend common courtesy, to just flaunt their bullshit in front of me without any thought to my feelings whatsoever, how am I supposed to not be upset?
So I feel hurt. I feel insignificant and worthless and like I don’t fucking matter. To anyone. I feel like I don’t deserve anyone’s respect. Because no matter how much I think I’m standing up for myself, apparently I’m not, so clearly, I am not worthy of anyone’s respect. I feel under-valued and unappreciated, and I don’t know how to make anyone see my worth. Reason would suggest that the only people worth having in my life are the ones who just realized it, but where does reason actually fit into life? Since when are things fair or reasonable or make any sense at all?
I wish I had the ability to say everything I need to say. I hate unfinished business, and I really hate when people get to think they won when they didn’t. I hate when people walk around like they aren’t giant douchebags. I think they should know that they’re a piece of shit. They should know that they hurt someone and it isn’t okay. People shouldn’t get to walk by me every day like they didn’t treat me like crap, like I’m the one being crazy and unreasonable for calling them out on their shit. Quite frankly, no one else is gonna stick up for me, so I have to at least act like I care enough about myself to stick up for myself, so I won’t lay down and take it. I don’t have it in me to go whimpering off to lick my wounds, which is one of the very few things I do like about myself right now.
I also wish I had learned by now to really keep my distance. I try so hard not to let anyone get that close to me. I don’t ever want someone to see my vulnerable, to see me weak. I don’t want people to see my at my worst because all they are going to do is judge me for it. How do I know that? Because everyone who has ever seen me at my worse has held it against me. Heaven forbid I ever have a moment of weakness and I just want some comfort. It’s not like I’m ever unclear about what I want or what I’m looking for. I’m no mystery. I don’t even ask for much. I ask for very little. And during all this, I try to keep everyone at arm’s length. I don’t want anyone near my heart. I don’t want to ever let someone close enough to hurt me, but somehow they always slip through the cracks. I am weak. I have a softness I can’t seem to harden. A softness that lets me see the great and wonderful things in someone. The things that I enjoy, that I find endearing, things that I use to learn about someone, to get to know them. And then I start to care and I just enjoy what’s happening. It seldom means that I want more from the situation, it just means that I am finding them more enjoyable to be around and that I’d like to be around them. This just bites me in the ass because it always translates somehow that I want more, that I’m asking too much. But I’m not. Can’t I just like someone? Can’t I just like being around them? I’m so honest all the time, can’t you just trust me to be honest about what it means? So while many would argue that this softness is somehow a good thing, to remain soft in a harsh world, it is truly a terrible thing. It hurts me, it causes me pain, it gives me no escape from the constant torment of having so. Many. Feelings.
I am also getting reckless. I don’t care about work, I’m getting lazy and I don’t care. Or I guess more accurately, I work very hard to avoid doing the work I don’t want to do. I don’t want to be around people. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want to deal with it. I’m also trying out retail therapy, I’m buying things I can’t actually afford, consequences be damned, because I’m desperate to feel just a little bit better. And the new shirt makes me feel better, even if only for an hour. It’s an hour while I don’t feel like I need to cry. An hour free of the hopelessness. I know I sound like an emo teenager but I feel like an emo teenager. And trust me, realizing I sound like a whiny, mopey teenager doesn’t help anything.
As I said, I’m getting desperate. Desperate for anything that will help. I ache for numbness. Or for someone who can actually comfort me. I yearn for a cuddle, for someone to hold me for an hour, who will let me just cry and be weak and just… let me be. I want to feel like I matter, even if just briefly. I’ve been dealing with so much, I have this very intense fear that no man will ever touch me or want me again and I have a pretty legit reason to feel this way, and I want so desperately to be wrong. There’s a lot of desperate.